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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24695215">Imoen Winthrop, who is the Amazing Romantic Heroine No Matter What Anyone Else Says About It (That Means You, Montaron)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueinkedfrost/pseuds/Blueinkedfrost'>Blueinkedfrost</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Baldur's Gate</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comedy, Humour, Misunderstanding, Multi, Nobody Dies (Except Very Minor Bad Guys And Probably Gorion), Romance, Silly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:00:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,364</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24695215</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueinkedfrost/pseuds/Blueinkedfrost</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Bhaalspawn has found love early in the story, but poor Imoen can't get a date! As a result, she recruits Montaron to be her dating coach and general matchmaker.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Female Charname/Xzar, Imoen/Various, Viconia DeVir/Shar-Teel Dosan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Baldur's Gate Gift Exchange 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Imoen Winthrop, who is the Amazing Romantic Heroine No Matter What Anyone Else Says About It (That Means You, Montaron)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/bgiist/gifts">bgiist</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Your prompt brought me pure joy, bgiist. I hope that you enjoy this story!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>The Prologue, In Which our Incomparable Heroine becomes the Third Wheel</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Once upon a time, the Beauticious Princess Imoen, Empress of All Things Pink, awaited rescue.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh!" she wailed from the top of her lonely and swaying tower. "Alas, the Naughty Wizard has captured me! If only a brave knight would come and save me! And give me sugar rolls," she added hopefully.</em>
</p><p><em>"Helloooo? Brave knight? Come </em>on<em>, Arum!" Imoen yelled.</em></p><p>
  <em>At last Gorion's Ward poked her long nose around the corner, dressed in Imoen's best findings out of the old-clothes box. A faded Watcher's tunic with the crest of a century ago, long enough to trip her, half-held by one of Winthrop's belts, far too big, and a circlet of glass jewels on her head. "Hello, Imoen," she said, "and hello ... "</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A puff of smoke erupted in the air. "Hello to you too! I am the Naughty Wizard Xzar!" The little boy giggled wildly. His hand was full of black gore.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Wow, Xzar! How did you do that?" Arum asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Puffer mushroom from the garden. I saved it from the evil rabbits. Look, all mushy now!" The boy rubbed the mushroom on his old mage's robes, made for someone much wider and considerably older. "Ulraunt taught me the vanishing-water trick, do you want to see? And I found an interesting canine tibia!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I want to see!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hey, what about rescuing the Princess Imoen?" Imoen called. But the knight was too interested in watching the evil wizard's funny tricks. So Imoen wriggled on her seat ... and the princess' tower collapsed over all their heads.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Three bruised, shaken, and moderately injured children were sent to their beds in Candlekeep. Not long after that, Master Ulraunt called in the Flaming Fist to take his young apprentice Xzar away. Arum and Imoen couldn't stop him. Arum wept for days ... but little did she know she'd see her childhood friend again ten years later. No matter how mentally shattered he was, there was still something there ...</em>
</p><p>—</p><p>
  <strong>The Story, In Which our Heroine Imoen Rises to the Challenge</strong>
</p><p>"They be makin' me sick," Montaron complained. Arum had rapturously agreed to be Xzar's 'ghoul-friend'.</p><p>"I agree. It's not fair," Imoen said. She reached down and tweaked Montaron's hair. His suddenly upraised dagger did not dissuade her. "It's not fair because ... <em>I </em>deserve to find true love too! Monty, will you help me? Please, please, please, please, pretty please?"</p><p>"I'd rather poison yer soup!"</p><p>"Thank you, Monty, you're the bestest best friend ever!"</p><p>—</p><p>"I've decided to get you out of me hair," Montaron said. He passed Imoen an address written on a scrap of parchment. "You have a date with Silke Rosena, a bard who thinks she's famous. Silke needs an adventuring sort to help her retrieve some stolen gems. Have fun."</p><p>While he was leaving, Montaron patted the small stock of coins Silke Rosena had given him as a bribe. Silke needed a wandering adventurer to frame for stealing the gems, and Montaron needed to get rid of some of the annoying people in his life. It was a perfect win-win match.</p><p>"Where's Imoen?" Arum asked the next morning. Montaron muttered something indistinct in reply, then pretended to check Viconia's pack for thorns. They'd collected the drow cleric for her handy healing spells, and gotten two party members for the price of one. Viconia DeVir travelled with a female human fighter with some surprisingly drowlike opinions on how all men deserved to be crushed below women's bootheels for all eternity. When Shar-Teel had come upon Viconia being menaced by a male soldier, she'd been so pleased at the opportunity to act out her prejudices against men and Flaming Fists that the two had travelled together ever since. Not many adventurers would agree to have a drow join their team, but Montaron saw himself as open minded like that.</p><p>"If you're so interested in my pack, you can carry it for me, male," Viconia said.</p><p>"Just brushing it off for you. Everyone carries their own weight in the surface world," Montaron said.</p><p>"If anything proves to be missing, I will cast a withering spell on your privates." Viconia tossed her head and sauntered away to her place by Shar-Teel. Montaron mildly enjoyed the view.</p><p><em>Three ... two ... one ... did the annoying pink one get put in jail, slaughtered like a lamb, or even worse? </em> Montaron wondered. The news would surely come soon. He pricked his ears up at two sets of human footprints coming their way. Maybe it was two town guards come to tell the adventurers about the terrible criminal Imoen Winthrop?</p><p>Then he must've jumped three inches out of his breeches. Imoen's face appeared around the door and she held a human man by an octopus-like grip.</p><p>"Hi, sis! Hi, Monty! My date was <em>amazing</em>!" Imoen said. "Adventure and romance, just what I always wanted when I led Arum out of that boring ol' Candlekeep! Silke was a terrible date and only droned on about herself the whole time and then she kind of shot lightning at all of us, but I got to meet this cutie Garrick!"</p><p>The curly-haired young man smiled and raised a hand in greeting. He seemed kind, naive, innocent, and optimistic. He wore a mandolin strapped to his back. Montaron loathed him on sight.</p><p>"My mistress, Silke Rosena, turned out to be a thief, a liar, and an attempted murderer," Garrick said. "I am so sorry! I knew none of this! When she attacked us and a party of innocent gem merchants with lightning, Lady Imoen used a wand to turn her into a squirrel." Imoen tapped the solid item in her sleeve.</p><p>Montaron spluttered: "Who in the Nine Hells gave Imoen a wand of squirrel transformation?" Stupidly overpowered magic - irresponsible giggling empty-headed pink human nitwit -</p><p>He shouldn't have needed to ask. Xzar giggled and pointed to himself. "I knew it would be fun! Imoen will be my <em>spectre</em>-in-law someday, I hope."</p><p>Then a pink tornado swept Montaron up, grabbed his sensitive ears, and kissed him on the top of the head. He was just grateful that he hadn't bathed in a tenday. "Thanks, Monty! I found true love with Garrick, and it was all because of you!"</p><p>—</p><p>The adventurers descended into the dark pits of the Nashkel mines. Arum had the cack-handed plan to take on the job to find and kill the monsters lurking in the dark depths, who'd already killed a fair toll of miners and guards. At least it wasn't Montaron performing the job of human meat shield up ahead. He sent Garrick a contemptuous glance, that the human fool never even noticed. The bard babbled on about being on a real adventure at last and the songs he was going to write. Imoen flashed him repeated adoring looks.</p><p>Then a flaming arrow cut through the darkness before them and into Shar-Teel's forearm.</p><p>"Aargh! Brave Sir Garrick ran away, ran away, ran away!"</p><p>Imoen returned fire, aiming neatly at the shadow shapes in the darkness. Montaron crept forward through darkness and stabbed deep at what he found there. Scales parted under his blade and he bathed in blood. Arum drove forward into danger and even Xzar raised his magic spells.</p><p>Montaron stood over a small, scaly body - malnourished at that if he were to guess. "Kobolds. This mine be infested by ogre-shagging kobolds, that's all." Kobolds were just about one step above sewer rats on a scale of threat and fighting ability. They were an embarrassing infestation like getting plantar warts in unfortunate places. As a trained and skilled member of the Zhentarim, it was an insult to Montaron's nature.</p><p>"And Garrick ran away," Imoen said. A deep sadness crossed the girl's features at the loss of the handsome young man she'd once thought could be her true love. But then she shrugged it off. "Oh, well, I guess he wasn't the one for me after all! Third time's the charm, Monty!"</p><p>"No, third time ye lose yer <em>arm</em>," Montaron threatened, but his heart wasn't quite in it.</p><p>—</p><p>The heroes of the Nashkel Mines relaxed in a carnival after their defeat of the kobolds. Imoen had made romantic advances to the elven prince they'd rescued from distress at the bottom of the mines, but after realising that the adventurers who rescued him included an insane necromancer, an insane woman romancing the necromancer, a man-hating killer, a drow, and a romantically obsessed girl with pink hair, Xan had wisely taken himself off to places unknown. Imoen drowned her sorrows in a seventh shot of Berduskan Dark. Montaron looked around for another purse to slit to pay for their entertainment.</p><p>Then Arum and Viconia walked into the bar tent with a busty blonde warrior.</p><p>"This is Branwen, priestess of Tempus; she has a big hammer; we rescued her from being imprisoned in stone. With a scroll, not a kiss, Imoen. Let's kick bandit arse by her side," Arum said.</p><p>"Wow. I <em>like</em> her," Imoen whispered to Montaron. Her face was red-flushed and it wasn't just from the heat. "I <em>really</em> like her. Can you help me flirt with her? ... After I sleep off all these shots, of course ... Um ast naksmath pht."</p><p>Imoen's head hit the table and she was out like a light. Montaron and Branwen teamed up on a leg each to drag her back to the inn.</p><p>The wretched buffle-headed chit was down for breakfast as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as ever, nicking all the best pieces of bacon from Montaron's frying pan. She was getting too damn good at her thief skills.</p><p>"I need poisons, Montaron," Imoen complained. "Can you teach me how to use poisons? Pretty please?"</p><p><em>And I can trick her into accidentally taking one!</em> Montaron thought. He agreed, speaking more cheerfully than she'd ever done before.</p><p>"I'm going to take one," Imoen announced to the virulent substances Montaron had laid out before her on a dead tree stump. "It's got to be really deadly and dangerous, but also keep your face looking pretty and not involve any embarrassing bowel movements."</p><p>"What daft damnfool plan did ye just think of?" Montaron demanded.</p><p>"If I poison myself, Branwen will heal me, and that's the perfect way to flirt with her," Imoen explained. "Just think ... in a few hours I could be snogging a luscious Northern goddess ... "</p><p>"Then take this one," Montaron said. It was grown from putting smoked lobster in a soaking wet container and burying it in muck for a few years; if you stuck it in people with needles, it paralysed their skin and caused a nasty death. He explained the effects to Imoen. <em>If'n she miscalculates and bites the dust ... oh, right, they'll all blame me for her death ... crap.</em> He let the daft girl inject herself, then ran as fast as he could to fetch Viconia.</p><p>"Imoen, I respect your interest in me," Branwen explained, "but I seek only a battle-mate that I can smash heads with, not a ... "</p><p>"Love-mate that you can snuggle with and exchange pink candy with and steal heart shaped root vegetables with?" Imoen suggested.</p><p>"Exactly!" Branwen said. "But we can still be friends, Imoen."</p><p>"That's only what people say when they secretly hate you! I will be in my tent. With my only true friend. Monty, if you don't help me find a new date, I'll tell my sister that you made me cry!"</p><p>—</p><p>Paladins were basically walking tin-cans who deserved a good cracking open, Montaron thought. With all that armour clanking, they were great to sneak up on. Some of them had an incredibly poor sense of direction, too. And the way this one hadn't washed his linen lately probably contributed to the fact he failed to smell an ankheg leaping up on them.</p><p>Montaron loaded his crossbow with the special bolts - hooked and dipped in explosive potion - and fired into the back of the ankheg's neck. Slip a shot or two in the soft bits where the plates parted, and you were down one hulking green thing and up something you could sell for an excellent sideline to nearby blacksmiths.</p><p>If you had someone with you who was stupid enough to be convinced to do all the dragging while you got all the profit, of course.</p><p>The young paladin got up from under the ankheg body and saluted. "Halt! Be ye friend or foe!"</p><p>"I'm a foe here to kill you. 'Twas saving your dung-headed life that shows you how," Montaron said. The paladin stared at him. "All right, I mean - I am yer friend with roses and lilies and whatnot!"</p><p>"Then I am the nobly born squire Ajantis of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart!" said the knight in shining armour. "At your service!"</p><p>"That's good ... since I have a particular service in mind," Montaron said. "A service contributing greatly to my good ol' peace and quiet. But ye'll need to bathe first."</p><p>Imoen had a literal knight in shining armour at her beck and call. For a time, Montaron enjoyed a quiet life of backstabbing, thievery, and ignoring all the lovebirds around him. If it wasn't Ajantis and Imoen skipping through fields of dandelions hand in hand, it was Shar-Teel carrying Viconia over her shoulders into the woods or Xzar massaging Arum's feet.</p><p>It wasn't until they camped in the shadow of the city of Baldur's Gate itself that Montaron became disturbed again ...</p><p>The horrid pink presence crept up on him just as he was bleeding a good trout for his meal. He'd taught her too many sneaking skills, blast it all!</p><p>"Matchmaker Monty, matchmaker Monty, can I get some more love advice?" Imoen asked.</p><p>"Ye can get out of my face before I stab ye somewhere painful!"</p><p>"Thanks!" Imoen sat down and swung her legs into the stream. "Y'see, I thought Ajantis was the one for me, but I want <em>adventure</em>. The knight in shining armour is pretty boring. Can we dump him with his noble cousins in the city?"</p><p>"Can we dump him in pieces in the city sewers?" Montaron suggested. The paladin had a real fetish for telling almost everyone around that he felt a sense of evil about them, and Montaron was sick of it. Particularly since Ajantis truly had the ability to sense when Montaron was in the act of stealing or killing, which had prevented some of his best scores of late.</p><p>"Aww, you're such a big kidder, Monty. I want a date with ... oh, I know! That cute bard who said he fought off an entire platoon of gnolls in the Cloakwood! He gave me his inn address in the city. Ajantis was so boring and clean cut ... maybe Greasy Eldoth is more my type."</p><p>Thankfully for Montaron's sanity, Eldoth soon after made the mistake of telling Shar-Teel and Viconia that the role of women was to bake cookies and bear children. His tenure did not last long. Nevertheless, Imoen had the address of his former girlfriend ... one Skie Silvershield, a noble girl.</p><p>"She's cute, a thief, and wants to go out on adventures like me!" Imoen explained. "Maybe she's the one! Monty, if I romance Skie successfully, I swear to never bother you again."</p><p>Too good a deal to pass up on! "Call me Sune's favourite nymph," Montaron said.</p><p>—</p><p>Montaron, hanging from the ceiling by his ankles, delicately cut through the glass box. The glass covered a horrible melted statue that looked to be the offspring of a fire-giant and a blobfish, made numpty-odd years ago by some Netherese bigwigs, and it was worth a fortune. This night-time trip to the Grand Duke's palace was great for his profit margins, but he'd made the mistake of letting Imoen come along.</p><p>"I can't <em>decide</em>, Monty," she whined, "it's the classic love triangle. On the one hand Alora is so incredibly, amazingly, deliciously <em>pink</em>, but Skie is cute too and could keep me in unimaginable luxury for the rest of my life ... "</p><p>"Pick Skie," Montaron said automatically. It was self defence. Alora had the combined force of about four Imoens crammed into one tiny halfling, making her slightly more annoying than the noble girl who complained about breaking her nails every two minutes. Then again, deciding which out of Skie or Alora was less annoying was a truly difficult decision to make. He plucked the bag of sand from his belt and carefully weighed it in one hand.</p><p>" ... But on the <em>other</em> other hand, with Skie I've got a rival," Imoen said. "Ever since her thing with Eldoth fell through, she says she's had a crush on this other completely unsuitable person as a psychological escape mechanism from her overly controlling father. Her name is Cythandria, she's ever so smart and witty and good at conjuring, she works for the Iron Throne and she's going out with Arum's evil big brother. But Arum's evil big brother is <em>also </em>dating that Tamoko woman, so it's more of an interlocking love hexagon ... can I draw you a diagram, Monty?"</p><p>The bag of sand slipped through his fingers. Montaron cursed as the magical alarms went off. He snatched the statue and took to his heels. Imoen followed him with more romantic questions.</p><p>" ... But I've decided to not be selfish, and let the happiness of others be my first priority," Imoen said. "Just like you, Monty! I'm going to matchmake Cythandria and Skie together on a blind date, then Cythandria will betray Arum's evil big brother and become less evil, Arum will win her battle, and I can go out with Alora. Isn't that <em>wonderful</em>?"</p><p>Montaron invented several new curse words especially for the occasion.</p><p>—</p><p>Imoen's setup of the date night was perfect. A luxury room in the Undercellar, a chocolate fountain, violin dance music, and beautiful invites edged with lacy pink paper decorations. Cythandria sat at the most luxurious of the tables opposite Skie, while Arum and Xzar went on listen-in duty at a table not far away, disguised with a Girdle of Ogre Transmogrification and a Belt of Gender Changing respectively.</p><p>In case matters got hairy, Shar-Teel and Viconia were also having a date night there.</p><p>Little did they know, though, that Arum's enemy Sarevok was also there in disguise to catch out his cheating lover. (Not that Sarevok had any right to complain, though, since he cheated first.) At last, the two Bhaalspawn were in the same room together.</p><p>And little did they also know that the wicked wizard Irenicus had long sought a convenient moment such as this to strike and scoop up two Bhaalspawn for his own evil purposes.</p><p>Montaron was just lucky that at the time he was busy across the city emptying arsenic into Alora's favourite herbal tea. (She turned out to have an extremely strong stomach and was fine.) Imoen was lucky - although she didn't know it - that she was busy saving a lost cat for an orphan girl.</p><p>The Undercellar was flattened. All their friends were gone without a trace.</p><p>Imoen cried into Montaron's shoulder until he shoved her away. She dried off her tears and pulled herself together.</p><p>"You're right, Monty. It's time for us to stop crying and rescue our friends. I know you're grumpy, but deep down I know you love all of us."</p><p>"I don't love ye or even like ye one little bit," Montaron said. "I was looking forward to the ending of this stupid quest so I could go back to the Zhentarim and get out of mad wizard babysitting duty!"</p><p>Imoen cocked her head. There was a strange smile on her face that Montaron liked even less.</p><p>" ... and ye need me to use my Zhent sources to get dirt on this other mad wizard so we can travel to a foreign land, fight an incredibly powerful spellcaster that we don't have a chance to win against, and rescue your sister, the mad wizard, and sundry other idiots from their well-deserved deaths," he said. "When I could be stealing and selling our magical loot, renting a boat, saying sweet farewells to the bloody Zhents and you alike, and buying my own tropical island to relax on."</p><p>Imoen nodded. She even grinned.</p><p>" ... Pack your things," Montaron said.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In no way, shape, or form does Irenicus kill Skie. Imoen and Montaron will save the day and everyone will be okay. :)</p><p>Please note that the 'Xzar grew up in Candlekeep' backstory is borrowed from the absolutely incredible Onyx and Jade series by Oryx (<a href="https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1316723/1/It-s-All-About-the-Princesses-Baby">'It's All About the Princesses, Baby'</a>). Go read it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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